Like, Like

Sometimes it's hard to tell what people are saying - there's so much nothing.

Sometimes it’s hard to tell what people are saying – there’s so much nothing being said.

As parents, we’re all English teachers. Our kids learn the sound and rhythm of language from day one, and we enhance it – mostly unknowingly – every day since. I consider part of my motherly job description to be helping kids clean up their language. I’m not talking about swearing or potty talk, here.  I’m talking about Like and the like.

School is a breeding ground for sloppy language and “likes.” Besides learning life skills such as how to perform impressive armpit farts and burp the alphabet backwards, my son came home at first with a deluge of “likes” in his speech. If you’re concerned about how much “like” is creeping into your speech or your family’s, here’s a guide to banishing it.

The main trouble with “like” is that it’s overdone and unspecific. When trying to banish “like” seek out specific words you could use as substitutes. Like is lazy language. What word can you use that will convey a more specific meaning? Make it a game. What word is “like” trying to stand in for? How many times are you saying “like” in a conversation?

Substitute the right word

Like = “thinking”              ”I was, like, should I go?”

Like = “about” or “approximately”     “The cliff was, like, 20 ft. high.”

Like = “said” (or “answered” “yelled” etc.)      ”She was, like, ‘Where did everyone go?’”

Like = “for example”    ”He was scared of spiders, like a really tiny one would still scare him.”

Like = “uh – um – er”    No need to substitute here.  ”Like” is just a common filler.  Go ahead and say what you mean.  Ex: He was, like, so glad to be, like, home.

Like = “similar”    ”This tastes like grape juice.”      This is a fine use of “like,”  but if you’re trying to kick the “like” habit, try using an alternate word for now.

Like = “like”    ”I like you.”  Say this as much as possible!

How much does “like” creep into your daily speech?  Have you ever tried to banish a speech habit?  What worked? 

Posted in Joyful Literacy, Parenting with Renegade Rules | Tagged , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

2 Responses to Like, Like

  1. This is great! My grandmother was an elementary school teacher so I learned proper grammar from an early age. But we’ve been living overseas for the last five years in non-English speaking countries so it’s easy to get lazy when you’re only hearing broken English for so long. Also, our daughter is in an Indian preschool where the language is pretty much 19th-Century British Colonial English. We’re headed to the United States for a year so I’m hoping all our English improves then.

    I will have to watch the “likes”. I’m so conscious of it in writing but sloppier when speaking.

  2. I hate “like” only less than “you know” as lazy language. I have no ideas how to get rid of it. I think it’s a function of our fast pace lives. People don’t have time to think before they speak, so they stall for time by saying like and you know as placeholders.

    Perhaps the only way to banish lazy language is to encourage respect for words and the unique meaning each word brings to a sentence. But I don’t see that happening with any of the younger generations.

    I try not to say like and you know, but accept that I’m as guilty as most in misusing them, but always try to speak with some sort of eloquence.

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Naps versus Math

IMG_4273

Good sleep beats out math lessons in my book.

My kid’s a napper.  Still, at age 5, he collapses daily for a serious, 2-hour long, snoozing, sustaining nap. His bedtime is 8pm, but still he NAPS. Next year he’ll be facing full-day kindergarten, where the schedule doesn’t include rest time on little mats anymore.

Full-day kindergarten is the norm now.  In our case, he’ll be facing an 8+ hour day (7 hours of school plus bus ride).  That’s a demanding schedule for little tykes.

At a recent Open House, I raised the Nap Question.  ”He’ll adjust,” the teacher said.  ”They all do.” “What about a quiet rest time with a book after lunch?” I asked.  The teacher told me they do math after lunch.  “You don’t want him to miss math, do you?”

Well, yes.

If his brain needs to sleep, a math lesson will go over like a lead balloon.  Sleep helps organize learning and is key for memory and focus.  A generation ago, sleep used to be considered an essential part of the school day for kindergarteners.  Kids haven’t changed in that time.  Schools have.

Besides, he’s learning math and science everyday:

  • Pouring sand and water – learning about volume and displacement
  • Seeing who gets the biggest cookie – size, concepts of bigger and smaller
  • Inventorying his stick collection – counting, sequence
  • Taking one of his toy soldiers out of the battle – subtraction
  • Adding more pirates to his boat – addition

He’s five.  He’ll get it; I’m not worried.  For now he’s getting what he needs through naps and play. Formal math can come later when his brain is ready to receive it.

Let kids sleep.  It’s the best learning a young brain can do.

How do we teach good sleeping skills?  What do we hope to achieve when we push young kids ahead of their developmental abilities?  Where does SLEEP rank among priorities in your life?

Posted in Parenting with Renegade Rules | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

8 Responses to Naps versus Math

  1. deidra says:

    wow! that is amazing he still naps and goes to bed at 8pm. Good for you! I say sleep should take a priority over everything! I agree kids will learn when they are ready to learn it.

  2. Kate says:

    The thought of all day kindergarten makes me very sad, I can imagine such a long day for my child at the tender age of five.

    I think this is a main driving force behind my research into the option of homeschooling. I am still on the fence about the idea but I am seriously leaning toward the HS side.

    Sleep ranks at the top of my list right now, I can count on one hand the number of times my two year old has slept through the night so far !!!

    • Heather Shumaker says:

      I’m sure you’re not alone about your reasons for looking into homeschooling, especially for the younger years. As for all-day kindergarten, all-day preschool is getting to be the norm. Thanks for sharing your comments!

  3. As a Holistic Health Practitioner I can tell you with certainty that our body repairs itself during sleep — body, mind, and spirit.

  4. Carmelite says:

    I am a single mother who works and goes to school, and so my 3 year old son is in an all-day preschool program 8 hours/day, 5 days/week. It’s hard to be away from him so much, but I am soooo lucky to have found the amazing school he goes to. The kids have outdoor free-play all morning, then lunch, story time, nap time, and snack time, and then more outdoor free-play in the afternoon. There is no math time. His teachers insist that, at this age, the most important things he learns he learns through free-play, and the only really structured, important activities they do during the day involve healthy eating and sleeping rhythms. They do occasionally sing the alphabet, though:) His school goes up to age 5, and I don’t plan on taking him out of it until I have to, even though I have to pay for it and I could get him into public Pre-K programs when he is 4.

    • Heather Shumaker says:

      You are a wise and wonderful mother. Love the sound of your son’s preschool program! Free play mixed with the rhythm of food and sleep is exactly what young kids need. Good for you in keeping him in this safe haven for as long as you can. I know the temptation of free programs is strong, but there is a cost to it. Thanks so much for sharing your story!

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True Friendship

Let kids decide who their friends are.

Let kids decide who their friends are.

The other day I visited yet another kindergarten classroom where the teachers called all the kids “Friends.”  ”These four friends go to the water table,” she said “and these four friends go to snack…” Somehow there’s an urge to call all young kids friends.

The truth is they’re not all friends.  Just because they’re all short, small and young doesn’t mean they all like each other.  Friendship is something to be treasured.  Calling all kids in a classroom or playground “friends” is inaccurate and disrespectful.

A friend is someone to be valued and cherished.  Someone who laughs at the same things, enjoys your ideas, keeps you company, sticks by you, disagrees and makes up.  Friendships usually start around age 3 and form some of our most blessed bonds in life.  We ought to reserve the word friend for describing real friends.  Calling everyone a friend devalues the word.  It also confuses kids who are just beginning to learn about friendship.

Think about Charlotte’s Web.  There are lots of animals in the barn, but they are just barn-mates.  Charlotte and Fern are Wilbur’s friends.

What to call them instead?  Classmates, neighbors, children.

Why do some adults use the term “friends” indiscriminately?”  I believe it’s an earnest desire to create peace in the next generation.  But it’s a false peace.  Kids only gain peace skills by practicing conflict mediation.

Just like adults, kids don’t have to like every person they meet.  It’s OK to have favorites.  It’s healthy and natural.  Let kids enjoy their first friendships –and treat others with respect.

“A friend may well be reckoned a masterpiece of nature.”  Ralph Waldo Emerson

How about you?  Are you treating all your social media “friends” the same as real-life friendships?  Are you neglecting your deep friendships?

Posted in Parenting with Renegade Rules | Tagged , , , , , | 13 Comments

13 Responses to True Friendship

  1. Rick Rood says:

    You are so ON POINT. Thanks for this little gem. Language does create our reality, and devaluing important words really should be guarded against.
    Rick

  2. Heather – I think a similar thing has happened with the words “love” and “awesome.” They’re used so often that they, too, have become “devalued.” A true friend (as opposed to an acquaintance) is as you said, “someone to be valued and cherished.”

    • Heather Shumaker says:

      You’re right – it can happen to many words. Including swear words! Say it too much and it means nothing.

  3. Heather, I can count my friends on one hand. Maybe that’s because I moved so much as a kid and young adult. Now I limit my close relationships because it takes time to maintain them. These days I need most of my time for writing. So I go for quality, not quantity. It works for me.

    • Heather Shumaker says:

      Deborah, you’re so right about true friends taking time. You are very wise to be able to count your friends on one hand.

  4. Fleda Brown says:

    Yes, good to teach this. There is really no difference, it seems to me, between the friendship of kids and that of adults. We sense who we’re compatible with and we gravitate in that direction. Unlike “friending” on Facebook, it’s not a choice. It’s more instinctual than that. We “feel” a connection.

    • Heather Shumaker says:

      Friends are instinctual, as you say. Maybe that’s why the subject is so touchy for adults. We don’t know what to do with children’s instincts.

  5. Mae says:

    Well said. I’ve never understood the whole kids have to be friends with every kid, kids can’t have bad days and be cranky, they can’t be tired and just want to spend the day lounging on the couch. We put pressure on them that we don’t put on ourselves and other adults. Thanks for reminding us.

    • Heather Shumaker says:

      Thanks for your comment and stopping by! Yes, we often place higher expectations on children than we do for ourselves.

  6. All I can do is echo what the other comments. Well-said, Heather.

  7. Kristin Elieff says:

    I love this article! Have you any thoughts to share on whether or not to make your kids play with the neighbor kid who won’t take the gentle hints that they don’t want to play? I am having a hard time right now trying to figure out if I “force” my kids to play with this kid they can’t get away from. I don’t know what the alternative is because if my kids don’t play with her it is perceived that they are being “mean” by excluding her.

    • Heather Shumaker says:

      Kristin, thanks for your comment. Yes, I do believe that children have the right to choose their own playmates or the right to play alone (and that means excluding people sometimes).

      Exclusion does not have to be mean, but forcing kids typically backfires for all. This topic is huge. If you’re struggling with it and would like to delve into ideas about social rejection and friendship skills, you’ll find a whole section in my book to help guide you through exclusion issues. Gentle hints probably don’t work; being direct can work better for everyone. Here’s the link: http://heathershumaker.com/index.html

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Internet Sabbath

Thoreau's words apply to our daily lives and interactions with digital media.

Thoreau’s words apply to our daily lives and interactions with digital media.

On weekends I rarely look at email.  My computer is turned off.  Maybe you’ve discovered this if you try to communicate electronically with me on weekends.  My family and real life take front and center. Yes, I may miss important messages, but I also gain something much more vital: thinking, focus, fun, physical activity and LIFE.

I’ve learned I’m not the only one.  Taking a break from the computer life even has a name: Internet Sabbath.

The simple fact is computers and gadgets distract us.  They fragment our brain and make us constantly interruptable.  We confuse what’s urgent or immediate with what’s important.

Taking a break is essential.  It reminds us how full the world is (and used to be) before we spent so much of our time in a screen world.  Taking a break models a balanced life for our children.  It’s slower, less cluttered and richer.

If you haven’t read some of these thought-provoking articles (warning: might take some focus) take a look here.  How college students are learning to meditate to counteract their digital, multi-tasking existence (Chronicle of Higher Education).  How multi-tasking actually creates mental dead space, not increased activity as we shift from one task to another. Support for Unplugged Sundays and the addictive nature – not of the machine – but of human beings ourselves (The New Yorker).

Walden Pond on a summer day

Walden Pond on a summer day

As a parent, I need to interact with my children in the real world.  Computer skills are quite easy to learn.  Human skills are not.

As a writer, I need focus and solitude with my thoughts and writing to produce stories and ideas worth reading.  Once the book is written, I can use social media tools to spread the word about it, but I can’t write it in the first place with a cluttered, distracted mind.

 

Do you find yourself spending more time with internet ‘friends’ then lifelong friends you care about?  Do you feel distracted?  How would you create unplugged time during the week?

Posted in Agents and publishing, Parenting with Renegade Rules | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

8 Responses to Internet Sabbath

  1. Heather – I’m an UNplugger, too. Typically I UNplug (cut the umbilical cord to technology) on Sundays because it gives me the “pause that refreshes” for the week ahead.

  2. Fleda Brown says:

    Heather. Those of us who were around long before there was an internet are especially aware of this happening, this hurry and disorientation of staring at the screen all the time, answering email after email. I applaud you for this sabbath. I am still checking all the time, but it is true that Sundays I often don’t have the lid of my computer up all day. It isn’t exactly a rule, but it’s what I do most of the time. You’re encouraging me to do better and maybe I wlll.

    • Heather Shumaker says:

      Thanks for offering your perspective, and reminding us all how we once lived (the majority of our lives!) without all this constant checking and screen adulation. It is good to examine what’s good from both BCIE and ACIE (Before the Common Internet Era) and (After the Common Internet Era).

  3. I don’t take intentional Internet Sabbaths, but often on a weekend I won’t get to my computer at all for various reasons: golf in season, family activities or travel at other times. I don’t suffer withdrawal from my computer if I’m away for a day or two. I’ll be going up to the Boundary Waters Canoe Area for a 5-day trip and will rejoice at the silence and simplified living and no computer. Not even a cellphone (which I rarely use anyway).

    I agree the internet is a brain fragmenter and worry that it may exacerbate symptoms of Alzheimer’s Disease or dementia. The fact that we can expose our minds to exponentially greater amounts of information now than we could 20-30 years ago means we are more likely to forget more things than we used to, just because there’s more to forget. (*Ugh* That’s one of the more depressing sentences I’ve written in recent years. :-) )

    • Heather Shumaker says:

      Brain fragmenter – yes! And it seems we all have “forgetteries” rather than memories.

  4. Heather Shumaker says:

    CONGRATS Thomas! My random number generator tells me you’re the winner! Your book is on its way to you.

  5. Thomas H says:

    Thanks so much. Looking forward to reading it!

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Business of Birth

Baby coverAmerica has a knack for bullying.  It starts young – oh, so young – even before birth.  One of the most bullied groups of people in the US today is expectant mothers.  Book Review and GiveawayThe Business of Baby, by Jennifer Margulis (Scribner, 2013).

Jennifer Margulis’s new book The Business of Baby could really be titled Bullied at Birth.  She’s an investigative journalist and mother of four who’s written for The New York Times.  Even though I thought I was fairly educated about the Birth Profit Machine in the US, Jennifer’s book surprised me.

  • Did you know hospitals sell your baby’s foreskin if he’s circumcised?  The foreskin is prized for skin-care products.
  • A First Bath in the hospital is bad for baby. Newborns need their protective vernix coating.
  • Most US babies are now born Monday-Friday during convenient daytime hours.

My first-born was hospital born.  My second was a home birth.  What a difference in night and day!  I deeply understand the message in Jennifer’s book.

Unfortunately, many first-time parents – the ones who need this information the most – may not be ready to hear the message delivered by The Business of Baby.  That’s why the cycle of bullying continues.

Sometimes – like me and the author herself – you have to experience childbirth before you understand the intense pressures pregnant women endure.  I know I never would have guessed that nurses would thrust free diaper bags at me emblazoned with infant formula company brands (even after I insisted I would breast-feed), or that my doctor would say, “My shift ends at 8pm, let’s just get things moving by breaking your waters.”

Author Jennifer Margulis - photo by  Bryon Devore of Ashland, OR.

Author Jennifer Margulis – photo by Bryon Devore

Luckily I said no. Once you say yes, the “Cascade of Intervention” begins, as Jennifer wisely points out.  Soon you’re strapped to a bed with tubes of Pitocin and talk of “emergency” Ceasareans.  I still remember what I said when my doctor suggested “speeding things up.”  It was September.  “I have nothing to do until January,” I told him.

Expecting a baby is a vulnerable time.  Parents-to-be are filled with hopes, fears and naiveté combined with authority figures hovering around.  The Business of Baby is a well-researched wake-up call to the business of US pregnancy, birth and infant care.  It’s an excellent resource for nurse practitioners, midwives, ob/gyns, doulas and grandparents as well as expecting parents.

In fact, I agree whole-heartedly with this review by Library Journal: “Not just for parents to ponder.”

I hope people who teach childbirth classes get their hands on this book.  Perhaps childbirth instructors are best positioned to be the ones who open the eyes of parents-to-be.

Did you ever feel bullied or pressured during pregnancy or labor?  What shocks you about modern birth?  Leave a comment, send me an email or sign up to subscribe to this blog and you’ll be entered to win a FREE copy of this beautiful hardback book fresh off the press.

Date for free book drawing: Wednesday, May 22, 2013, 5pm Eastern time.

Posted in Parenting with Renegade Rules | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 31 Comments

31 Responses to Business of Birth

  1. Alyxandria says:

    Modern birth insists upon itself – our culture has this image of a strained-faced, screaming woman in labor shouting obsenities at the father and demanding “MORE PAINKILLER!!!” in our television and movies, so there’s little wonder that women feel pressured to make decisions to circumvent this painful, terrifying situation by being pumped full of pain medications or opting for elective Cescarean. The more doctors and medicine, the better – right?

    The first time I watched a natural water birth video, the environment was calm and nurturing and everything moved at the woman’s pace. Lots of deep breathing, working through the contractions, and putting control back into the place of the mother to lean, squat, lay, stand, bend and contort in any way that felt natural and comfortable. There was no screaming, no panic, and certainly not the level of dramatized pain I’ve come to expect. Having a baby shouldn’t be treated as a medical emergency.

    Gag – circumsized flesh in my skin-care regimen? No, thank you. Outside of religious observations (which are traditionally performed within the home and the tissue is discarded), I see little reason for circumcision in sons any more than I would circumsize a daughter. Circumcision can always be performed later in life if so desired, and the myths about cleanliness and loss of sexual pleasure/performance are just that – myths. I’d like to take my baby boy home in one piece, thank you.

    I watched a wonderful documentary available on Netflix that seems similar to this study – “The Business of Being Born” produced by Ricki Lake and Abby Epstein. (Looks like there is a sequel now). In any case, I fully support a woman’s decision to handle her birth in any way that makes her more comfortable so long as it doesn’t pose a threat to the life of the baby, but I do believe that first-time parents should be particularly informed of their options and how the health care industry has falsely advertised birth. Perhaps with more educated families, this cycle of misinformation, intimidation, and loss of freedom can finally be broken.

    • Heather Shumaker says:

      All the books and movies do show women screaming in pain. How different birth can be! I was surprised not to feel any pain during labor. Just deep pressure and hard work. The images our brains are full of…

  2. Amy Rosenberg says:

    This book was eye-opening. These stories need to be told! Your review expressed very clearly that people get bullied and pressured into things that are not good for them or their children. I have not given birth, but I have heard these stories, and know they are true, and have myself undergone bullying and unethical coercion in many other areas of medical care. It is so important for pregnant women to be aware of what they are walking in to, in order to protect themselves and their babies.

  3. Why is it so threatening when women say they deserve better? Our maternal mortality rate ranks 39th out of 39 developed countries. Our infant mortality rate ranks 50th. What’s shocking is not that we are seeking positive change… it’s that it’s met with such resistance. Buy this book for someone you love, and ask your library to get several copies. Knowledge is empowering. As Maya Angelou said: When you know better, you do better.

  4. bonnie roi says:

    I am so happy you have seen fit to write wholeheartedly upon this subject which I feel so passionate about. I pray many blessings and good success to follow you and all those who take the honest advice to heart and can then raise healthy happy offspring.

  5. Dana Read says:

    “I have until September”….LOVE IT!

  6. Kelly Peters says:

    I wish this book was out ten years ago…..knowledge is power. I would have done things so different. “Trust the doctors….” My biggest mistake. Would love to own a copy.

  7. Hilary says:

    I had a very much bullying experience with my first and have encountered to a lesser extent but again in my later pregnancies. With my first I was in my last semester of university and used the campus Maternal-Fetal Medicine specialist for routine care till 20 weeks because she was nice, helpful, easy to get to. She transferred my care at 20 weeks to an OB as she didn’t do deliveries herself. The first OB… oh my goodness. There was a sign outside the door stating (in shouty caps!) that “NO SHOES WERE TO BE WORN IN THE OFFICE- THIS INCLUDES INDOOR SHOES!” Then when we got in the office, I was the only one with a significant other with me and there was another note posted that babies were to be left with the receptionist. It was not a good start. My husband and I entered the office and she looked unimpressed that I’d brought someone along and told him where he could stand and then ignored him the rest of the appt. I had a few questions for her- was she supportive of natural (med-free) birth, her stance on episiotomies, her c-section rate. She told me frankly, she does everything exactly often as necessary and where did I get my medical degree. Then she told me to stay the heck off the internet. We left, made an appt with the MFM specialist the next day and asked for another referral. This OB was NOT for us. Instead we found a very laid back OB who was MUCH more to my liking and, for an OB, was very supportive of my natural childbirth plans. I’ve thought so many times how differently my first birth and indeed perhaps my family planning entirely (had I had a c/s with the first… I might not have gone for 4 kids) could have been different all because of that one OB.

    I’m REALLY glad I didn’t put up with the bully OB and found myself someone better suited to my care. From reviews I’ve read about her over the years the bully OB sounds VERY competent in surgical births which makes her practically an angel to parents with high risk pregnancies and in scary situations… but I and others have left reviews too letting other moms know that if they’re low risk and have ideas about informed choice etc, this is NOT the doc for you!

    The thing that amazes me most in modern birth care is that lack of education women have regarding the power of their own choices. The whole “my doctor won’t LET me go past 40weeks” or “my doctor LET me travel in the third tri”. Doctors are not decision makers- they are there to give patients the information and medical advice based on their knowledge but the choice comes down to the woman. There’s a rather shocking power differential evident in most doctor-patient relationships. Personally I used to be more that way too but having worked with midwives in the informed choice model, I now demand that of my interaction with all medical professionals. It’s really put the onus for my health more on me which I think is so important.

    Would LOVE to read the book!

  8. This is a FANTASTIC, eye-opening post! I agree wholeheartedly with another reader, Louise, who said:

    “What’s shocking is not that we are seeking positive change… it’s that it’s met with such resistance.”

  9. HeatherB says:

    I’m actually working on a book now, of women’s traumatic birth stories. It’s sad how many of the women contributing to this project were bullied at some point during their pregnancy/labor/birth/postpartum. Not all, but most or the birth trauma I see is caused by this bullying and deception. The positive thing is in every case I’ve found so far, these ladies have transformed a negative experience into positive intentions for improving maternity care.

    After all, if it hadn’t been for the incompetent OB who didn’t know “arrest of descent” could be resolved through position changes, and the d-bag doctor who pulled a “bait and switch” on me for a VBAC, I wouldn’t have met all the amazing women committed to improving maternity care, including a number of fantastic midwives, doulas, childbirth educators, and authors.

    Here’s to finding the silver lining and making it brighter.

    Heather,
    HBA2C mama

  10. Osiris Legates says:

    Can’t wait to get my hands on this book having been bullied into a c sec with my second which lead to the c secs of my third and fourth i want all new moms to open their eyes to what is going on in america

  11. As a doula I see a lot of pressure put on families. It’s so hard to see because most of the time when they get to the end of the pregnancy the “healthy baby” card washes away everything they’ve researched and believed in their 9 months of planning. There is so much potential for beautiful healthy birth that is being sabotaged by medical procedure and protocol. I have been really looking forward to reading this book and learning more about “The Business of Baby.”

  12. Thomas H says:

    Our first child was born on a Friday and the hospital was packed, our second on a Sunday, and I think only two or three newborns were on the floor.

  13. Elizabeth says:

    As a Childbirth Educator and Doula… I can not wait to read this book!

  14. Kim W. says:

    This whole topic brings up so much angst for me…I was bullied in this very manner with my first baby, who I ended up having via emergency c-section at 24 weeks. Long story short, and three c-sections later…I look back and see that not only was I bullied, but treated like a “liability”, like a cow in a cattle drive…and to make matters even more complicated, we were uninsured at the time. They see THAT on your paperwork and the reigns on your choices tighten even more.

    After three c-sections, I’m stuck…but for new moms out there that still have a choice, I hope this book strengthens their resolve and gives them tools to understand the “system” they’re entering. Motherhood should leave a woman with something beautiful, (and pain can be beautiful!) not the kinds of “trauma center” imagery that I’ve got in my head. My babies are worth all of it…just wish I could have had a better experience. Thanks for writing this book.

  15. Meredith says:

    So glad I had all three of my boys at home! I want to read this and add it to my list of shower gifts I give to people.

  16. Susie Pellum says:

    I went through a very traumatic birth and believed at the time that it was unavoidable. I’ve learned so much since then and love that my daughter is becoming aware of the bullying tactics of modern medicine and how the business of having a baby outweighs common sense and nature in the eyes of many doctors.

  17. carrie says:

    Looking forward to reading.. :)

  18. Sarah says:

    This book looks so awesome! My first was born in a hospital 11 years ago. Even though I thought I stood firm on what I wanted and didn’t want during labor and birth, it’s amazing how fast that goes out the window when you’re in pain and someone in scrubs is telling you “what’s best for the baby”. Ugh! My second, born a year ago, was born peacefully at home. My midwives were loving, caring, and supportive. It was amazing! <3

  19. Accalia says:

    Thank you for reviewing this book! The word needs to spread from multiple sources about the state of maternity care in the U.S. I truly wish more women, and men, would recognize that WE are in charge of our health care decisions, not administrators of a hospital, or a doctor you’ve known for five minutes, etc. It’s sad that most people don’t see the actual business side that is driving our maternity system…

  20. Rene Kratz says:

    I never felt bullied or pressured, but looking back I think I wasn’t critical enough or questioning enough of some interventions. Both of my labors were induced — the first because my amniotic sac had torn but labor didn’t start, the second because I was really close to having the baby (huge and due) and I wanted to have him when my mother was in town. But now, research is coming out about possible harmful effects of pitocin, so I’m definitely questioning my decision in the second birth. I’d like to see a wider perspective on birth and birth options become mainstream so that women make more informed choices.

  21. Becca says:

    The typical hospital stuff for my hospital births, then I educated myself and found a midwife and home birth…no bullying there, I run this show! The biggest case of bullying that comes to my mind was not during pregnancy but soon after my first was born….we were a military family coming back from overseas when he was 2 months old and because we had a two month old, I went to my parents while his dad went on to the duty station to get housing and stuff set up for us. During the two months I stayed with my parents, my own mother harrassed and bullied me to stop nursing. She said it was disgusting, making him sick, every little bit of spit up she blamed on breast milk….she would buy formula and try to sneak it to him, etc. I was so glad to get the heck out of there and back on my own so I could raise my kiddo as I saw fit.

  22. Wendy says:

    I was bullied into pitocin when my water broke and there had been no change for 4 hours in my contractions. This lead to the horrible labor ever. When I started throwing up my husband had to leave te room and I felt pressured into an epidural. Due to pregnancy complications we have decided not to have more children. And it makes me sad to not have the chance to experience a natural (possibly home) birth. Would love to read this book!

  23. Michelle says:

    I cannot wait to read this book. So much of the information I have been reading all over the internet in one place-what a find!

  24. It is so important to be informed. I would love to add a copy of this book to my lending library, which I share with my clients. I feel as a doula part of my job is to make sure that the mothers I serve are aware of their choices. Living in NJ, where we have an extremely high cesarean rate, and many mothers are told that they aren’t “allowed” to go post-dates makes this even more important. All women should be informed & we need to start talking to kids about this, so they are aware that they have choices & shouldn’t take everything they hear at face value.

  25. I’ve been wanting to read this since I heard about it!

  26. Linda says:

    I have been teaching prenatal yoga since 1997. Mamas come to me with all manner of questions, many that they have asked their OB and get the reply “Oh, that’s normal.” The lack of respect in the answer increases their anxiety and stress levels. I became curious about “normal” and went in search if my own answers. I became a doula, took prenatal massage trainings (already an MT) and several childbirth education trainings (teaching Hypnobabies for 10 yrs!) Being able to describe the reason they may feel the round ligament more one day than another has a powerful calming effect for them. How the mamas experience pregnancy and birth prepares the foundation for their emotions in parenting. If the medical community were to trust mamas and let them trust their bodies, they would trust their choices as a patent as well. If we are to create a calmer healthier society we must begin at the beginning. How these previous ones enter their lives affects all of us.
    Thank you for sharing your message! Lets keep the conversation going!
    Namaste,
    Linda

  27. Lindsay Wilson says:

    Oh I would love to read this book. It infuriates me how women are so bullied during their childbearing years. Knowledge is power!

  28. As an attorney practicing in the field of assisted reproductive technologies, I can’t recommend this book highly enough. Parents who are forming their families using egg donation and surrogacy are dedicated and devoted parents who will make independent decisions on behalf of their babies, I they have the information upon which to make those decisions. The problem is finding that information. Propaganda and marketing plans are multitudinous. Sources if unbiased information are scarce. This book is an important step in meeting that need. I will be suggesting this book to future clients on a regular basis!

  29. Michelle says:

    I would really like to read this book. The more I learn about birth and mothering in our modern Western culture, the less the corruption and deception shock me! Great giveaway!!

  30. Kelly says:

    I have been looking forward to reading this book.

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Mother’s Day Marvel

Ohio Outstanding Teacher of the Year for 2013 - my lovely mother

Ohio Outstanding Teacher of the Year for 2013 – my lovely mother

All books have an inspiration.  Mine was my mother.  She’s worked 40 years at a remarkable preschool in Columbus, Ohio where they truly believe in free play.  When I say truly, I mean they go so far as to give three and four-year-olds boxing gloves and allow them to wrestle and roughhouse in the classroom.  The original title of my book was Boxing at Preschool (published as It’s OK Not to Share).  Of course, I dedicated it to her.

This Mother’s Day I’m honoring and celebrating my mother.

I’ve always known she was a marvel when it comes to children.  Inside our own family and community we knew it.  Now she’s being recognized for it statewide.  Last week my mother was awarded Outstanding Teacher of the Year for preschool in the state of Ohio.  Flowers, banquet, portrait, pewter trophy and scrapbook of all the lovely nomination letters people wrote explaining how she changed their lives.

In her award speech, my mother (who loves spending a day with three-year-olds, but hates public speaking) made a strong plea for PLAY in children’s lives.  I’d like to share part of her speech with you that earned her two standing ovations:

Thank you to everyone involved.  I am most grateful.  I was completely surprised by the announcement that I was the winner because I didn’t even know that I had been nominated.

This award is especially meaningful because it honors a school I’ve devoted my life to — the School for Young Children and its play-based philosophy.

At the School for Young Children we know that kids need time and space for free play without teachers telling them what to do.  That wrestling matches in the classroom are OK.  That boys can wear princess dresses.  That kids can paint their arms and feet purple.  This type of play helps kids develop socially and emotionally.  That’s the core of our preschool program, and it has remained strong for the past 43 years, despite many national swings of the pendulum.

The School for Young Children was started in 1969 by two forward-thinking women.  It has made a profound  difference in my life.  When I first encountered the preschool I was a struggling new parent.  I felt uncomfortable with my children’s feelings, unless they were happy.  I soaked up knowledge from mentors at the School for Young Children, became a teacher, and stayed.

Forty years later, I am still learning.

I feel so lucky to have found this very supportive and loving community of teachers and parents.  Both my son and daughter attended the preschool and they are here tonight. Both my children are writers, and my daughter felt so strongly about the School for Young Children that she wrote the book It’s OK Not to Share, which summarizes its philosophy.

There are a lot of expectations that pressure young children these days.  When in doubt, trust your own instincts, trust your children’s play ideas, and Let Kids Play!     Thank you.

What’s lovely is that, besides putting Free Play front-and-center, my mother admitted that she’d started out mothering with lots of good intentions but not much knowledge.

That’s where we all start.  With love and good intentions.  But we need more.

I wrote my book for parents like my mother when she was young.  It shares the accumulated wisdom of 75 early childhood professionals.  Knowledge of child development, advice from wise souls, and trusting your own parental instincts will make life much brighter.

Happy Mother’s Day to one and all!

Have you been touched by a special mother or teacher?  Who has smoothed your way? Who would you nominate for a special Mother’s Day award?

Posted in Celebrating Holidays, Parenting with Renegade Rules | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

8 Responses to Mother’s Day Marvel

  1. Rachel says:

    Your mother is one of the greats and it has been my pleasure getting to know her through my family’s relationship to SYC. Her OAEYC award was deserved and I’m glad she used her acceptance speech to continue to spread the message that free play is necessary and valuable. Thanks for continuing to shine a light on this important value and your very special mother.

  2. Alyxandria says:

    As a student completing my A.A. in ECED, and going on to get my B.S. in Education and Child Development, I am inspired by your mother’s teaching philosophy and the mission of the program she serves. Play-based and interest-lead curriculum is SO important and yet so difficult to find in programs nationwide, and I’m very happy that your mother is someone who has spent her life practicing and raising awareness of the methods that I’ve come to feel so strongly about. Happy Mother’s Day to you and to your mother!

    • Heather Shumaker says:

      Wonderful – wonderful. I wish more people studying child development fully believed in play-based learning. Best of luck to you and may you become a mentor for many people in your field.

  3. Heather – This is a beautiful tribute to you mother. Even more so, however, is your life. “The proof is in the pudding,” as they say. Your mom not only did a terrific job with you, the ripples of her life have far-reaching, positive waves in the educational arena.

    As an adult, I tracked down my fifth grade teacher, Mrs. Kline, and told her what an amazing positive influence she had been on my life.

    Parents and teachers shape the future – our children.

    • Heather Shumaker says:

      Thanks from the “pudding!” So glad you took the time to find your elementary school teacher and thanked her properly. I’m sure she was overjoyed to hear from you.

  4. Congratulations to your mom, Heather. What a great honor and wonderful validation of the SYC philosophy.

    My mother is the living embodiment of unconditional love. She’s been 100% supportive of whatever we three children have strived for. She may not have known it at the time, but she was a practitioner of the “It’s OK Not to Share” philosophy of child rearing. She only stepped to mediate arguments if someone was hurt or about to be hurt, or property was in danger of being damaged or had been.

    Her standard response to the summertime “I’m bored, Mom,” complaint was “Go outside and play.” 99% of our play was unsupervised by adults and we truly did learn how to cope with differences, negotiate, be patient, deal with problems and conflicts, and just plain “get along with others.”

    She’d step in as the authority only when the situation demanded discipline, but we always knew it was our behavior that was at fault, not ourselves. Hugely important for kids to know that their behavior and their selves are two different entities.

    And she was always there if we needed a bandaid, a comfort food hot lunch of chicken noodle soup and PB&Js, or just a hug at the right time. Thanks, Mom.

    (All my favorite teachers happened to be male, so I don’t have a teacher story appropriate for Mother’s Day.) :-)

    • Heather Shumaker says:

      A wonderful story for Mother’s Day – thanks, Chris. I love her “Go outside and play” philosophy and you’re right – “Hugely important for kids to know that their behavior and their selves are two different entities.’

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Young Readers

Yes, it matters what books young kids read.

Yes, it matters what books young kids read.

When I learned my 10-year-old neighbor was reading The Hunger Games, my jaw dropped.  Really?  Already?  The words aren’t hard. It’s the topic.  Children killing other children in a complex moral/ political tale that’s meant for teenagers.

But now I realize I was naive. It’s not just 10-year-olds who are reading The Hunger Games, it’s 8 and 9-year-olds, too.  Teenage lit. has become the cool thing to read in elementary school.

Young Adult books (called “YA” in the publishing world), have long been known as crossover books. That’s because the topics and adventures in Young Adult books appeal to adults, too.  Some say 50% of the readers are adults.  It appears that YA books are truly crossing over – to young children.

Many adults I know refuse to read The Hunger Games.  I got a headache when I read it, the story is that intense.  The book is a fantastic read — for the right audience.

On one hand, I believe kids should be able to read whatever interests them.  I’m disturbed young kids are reading a book like this.  I’m also disturbed when elementary aged kids read the entire Harry Potter series.  The first few books are childlike, but the last ones were intended for teenage readers and deal with deeper evil and betrayal. Here’s why it disturbs me:

  • They don’t get it.  Young kids can’t grasp what the book’s about.  Their moral, emotional and reasoning skills aren’t there yet.
  • It’s a waste.  Good books deserve to be introduced at the right age.  When a child reads a great book too young (or too old) it falls flat.
  • They’re missing other great books.  The shelves are full of fantastic books for elementary-aged kids.  This is an incredibly rich age for children’s literature and childhood is simply too short to read all the good ones.  These kids won’t enjoy these books later — the time is now.  Reading big teenage books instead is an opportunity cost.
  • We’re upping the ante.  If an intense book like The Hunger Games becomes standard fare for elementary readers, how will they go up from there?  What will shock them or make them wrestle with high moral issues as teens?

Sure, elementary kids can read big, teen books, but Young Adult books these days are extremely “edgy.”  As caring adults we need to stand by these young readers.  Guide kids to age-appropriate books – incredible stories they will adore – and be prepared to stand by and support them if they get in over their heads.

Do you believe in guided reading?  Did you ever read a book ‘too young’ or ‘too old?’  What disturbs you about teenage books in the hands of children?

Posted in Agents and publishing, Books for Kids | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 13 Comments

13 Responses to Young Readers

  1. Rachel says:

    I ran into this situation recently when my seven-year-old daughter found Diary of a Wimpy Kid at the library. It’s illustrated with cartoons and looks like an age-appropriate book except that the story is about a middle school boy who is beginning to be interested in girls, struggles with bullies, and has a troubling relationship with his father. These are ideas I don’t mind her being exposed to, when the time is right.

    I’ve always thought that I wouldn’t stop a reader from choosing her own books. Censorship isn’t something I believe in, while I do believe that prohibited items create their own attraction.

    So I let her read it. She was fortunately bored and we had to return it to the library before she finished…

    • Heather Shumaker says:

      Glad she was “fortunately bored!” Strikes me there would be a huge market for comic-book style books like this for younger kids. Yes, younger kids are reading them, but the topics are very middle school.

  2. Alyxandria says:

    My Mom went by the method of “if you’re old enough to ask, you’re old enough to know”. I guess she applied the same logic to literature – if I’m old enough to be interested, I’m old enough. She gave me boxes upon boxes of books that she read in her younger years and didn’t give me any guidance. I remember reading lots of Judy Blume books when I was 9-11 years old (this was 1999-2001). One book I read, “Forever”, was very adult in it’s portrayal of sex in teenage years. While parts of it were funny, it also represented the realities of our first sexual encounters: confusion, how young love doesn’t last, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be, seeing the gynocologist, etc. Reading this book didn’t make me sexually promiscuous or confuse me. What it did do was give me information to think about and turn over, and it ended with me and my Mom having a frank discussion about sex and birth control when I was 12. It was a perfectly organic discussion on something that many parents struggled with, and I really appreciate that my Mom never censored my reading so that we could continue having these conversations. Also, there were many books that didn’t appeal to me in any sense until I was older – I’d get like 2 or 3 chapters in and move on. So I think the situations will work itself out, but it’s important to read what your kids are reading (or have read it) and be prepared to discuss the book and answer questions. Communication is key.

    • Heather Shumaker says:

      Alyxandria, sounds as if you had an excellent experience “self-censoring.” If a book didn’t appeal, you stopped reading after a few chapters. I go by your mom’s adage “if you’re old enough to ask, you’re old enough to know” and so glad your mom gave you honest answers.

      If kids are really interested, they will ask, read and find out and get something out of it. But I fear many young kids are reading simply because of the peer pressure factor rather than true interest.

      Knowing what kids are reading and being ready for open communication – bravo! Thanks for sharing your comment.

  3. I’ve always been an avid reader and often read books ‘too old’ for me when I was young, mainly because I wanted to challenge my reading skills. But mostly I devoured whatever was popular with most of the kids I knew. I don’t think I read much that was ‘too young’ for me because I’m usually a read-it-once-and-done reader. What’s funny is that even at age 57, I feel some books are still “too old” for me because of the complexity of the topic or ideas of a certain writer. Books on economic theory or philosophy, for example.

    I agree with Rachel about not wanting to censor certain books from young children, but also understanding that there are many books no child should read, or be allowed to read, based on graphic sex or violence or other adult subject matter.

    Unfortunately, video games that are rated for adults or at least teens are routinely played by under-age-12 kids, so it’s not as if they risk getting their minds corrupted by an “adult” book since pictures and scenes of graphic violence are all too common in video games, movies, and even some TV shows. Their young minds have most likely “already been corrupted.” And I don’t intend that to sound like “the sky is falling,” just that children are exposed to adult life much sooner these days than they ever were in the past, and with social media and instantaneous communication from the entire world now commonplace, parents fight an uphill battle to protect their kids from whatever they perceive as harmful.

    A proactive parent is the best defense. Get in the habit of visiting the local library, guide the child to books the parent thinks are appropriate and will interest their child, and encourage them to read as of much the terrific age-appropirate literature they can. Maybe shrug off a request to read an “adult” book with a comment such as “Okay, but I think you’ll find _(book)_ kind of boring because all the characters are old people doing ‘old people stuff.’

    A tough question, Heather, thanks for bringing it up.

    • Heather Shumaker says:

      You’re welcome! To every book its own season… I laughed that you still have books that are still “old” for you. Me too!

      Thanks for sharing all your insights – sometimes books seem more real than graphic videos because a book brings you inside the head and thoughts and feelings of characters.

  4. deidra says:

    Great question! My six year old loves the Diary of a Wimpy Kid books. Although, I don’t think he fully understands all the stories, I truly believe the cartoon style format helped him with his reading. I do the bulk of the reading and he likes reading the talk bubbles. I do grapple with this concept There are so many wonderful picture books and the window is truly quite short for them to enjoy these. I really let him choose what ever he wants, but I also try to pick out some other picture books of things I think he might like. Harry Potter can definitely wait. I know he would be bored with it and I am certain he would find it scary.

    • Heather Shumaker says:

      You said it – the window is truly quite short – and there are so many excellent books for the early ages.

      I know many kids have been spurred to read by the Wimpy Kid books, though I do think they need to write a new series for younger kids with younger kid dilemmas. It’s the elementary kids who are reading them. Maybe that’s why I prefer kids reading Calvin and Hobbes. At least the protagonist is a 6-year-old!

      • deidra says:

        I tried Calvin and Hobbs and he was not that into it. I did find a great picture book author much more appropriate for a six year old. Chris Gall. Awesome Dawson is great! Comic book style picture book about a young boy who likes to upcycle anything and everything.

  5. ” The book is a fantastic read — FOR THE RIGHT AUDIENCE.”

    I’m still trying to pull my eyebrows down from my hairline after reading the age bracket who are reading this book!

  6. Nicole says:

    I’m one of those adults who won’t read The Hunger Games. I just don’t want that concept in my head.

    I’m leary of official censorship, though, so if a child is really interested in something, I’ll talk to them about it and work with them – but I do think it’s fine to suggest and surround your child with age-appropriate materials, and hope they find something they like in the mountain of stuff you approve of.

    Another suggestion I’ve always gone by is “non-fiction at their reading level, fiction at their emotional level.” – If kids need a challenge, help them find harder books on science, cars, animals, whatever real things they’re interested in, and point them to age-matched fiction for more relaxing reading. Not every book has to stretch their skills. It’s OK if the “just for fun” ones are easy.

    • Heather Shumaker says:

      Nicole – thanks for sharing your thoughts. I love your guiding idea “non-fiction at their reading level, fiction at their emotional level.” Fantastic!

      I see so many parents – and, yes, teachers – who are focused more technical reading level rather than the ideas inside. What do we read for after all, if not for ideas?

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Indie Publishing Done Right

Cari Noga's novel SPARROW MIGRATIONS - indie publishing done right

Cari Noga’s novel SPARROW MIGRATIONS – indie publishing done right

The number of books published each year is boggling. Last year 200,000 new books were released. And that’s only counting traditional publishers. 400,000 self-published books were launched, too.

We talk about self-published and traditionally published, but I think there’s a third category:           Self-published Books Done Right.

There’s really only one fault self-publishing has.  It’s too fast and easy.  Too fast and easy simply because writers are impatient and rush their books out into the world without ensuring quality.

That’s not the case with author Cari Noga.  Cari published Sparrow Migrationsa novel centered about the “Miracle on the Hudson” plane crash.  It features a boy named Robby who has autism and becomes obsessed with the birds involved in the accident.  Cari does self-publishing right.

Here’s why Cari’s book deserves to be recognized in a class of its own, along with other quality, independently published books.

She hired editors  Cari hired two editors to read, revise and copyedit her book.  This is the treatment a traditionally published book receives: professional editing and copyediting that boost a book’s quality.

She hired graphic designers   Book cover art is a profession of its own.  Cari searched out both a fantastic book cover designer and interior book layout designer.  The result is incredible.

She checked her facts   Part of the story is set in Cari’s home state of Michigan, but part is set in Ithaca, a town Cari’s never visited.  She tracked down locals in Ithaca to read an early copy and verify facts.  Is there an elevator in the Cornell ornithology building?  Does it have an indoor aviary?  Good fiction still needs facts.

She sought test readers  Besides fact-checkers and editors, Cari recruited readers to help her improve emerging drafts.  She brought in the right test readers for her book: book club members, bookstore owners, parents of children with autism, gay couples, published novelists, and more.

Author Cari Noga - photo by Sarah Brown Photography

Author Cari Noga – photo by Sarah Brown Photography

She consulted experts   Do sparrows migrate?  What happens to the eggs when a piping plover abandons the nest?  Cari shared her manuscript with ornithologists, rangers and other bird experts to make sure her story is biologically accurate.

She joined a writing group  That’s where I come in.  I’m part of a book writing critique group called the Powerfingers.  Together we examined each of Cari’s problem chapters and offered ideas to make them shine.

She revised and revised more   The book took a month to write (November NaNoWriMo) and more than two years to revise.  She incorporated major plot changes and improvements from all her team of helpers.

She recruited allies  Since her book includes a main character with autism, Cari reached out to autism support groups to spread the word about her book.  She’s being generous; she’s giving part of the proceeds to autism programs.

She wrote a good story  It comes down to this.  Cari created a compelling story people will want to read.  Already a professional writer, Cari devoted many years to learning all she could about fiction writing and character creation to improve her craft.

Oh, and did I mention? She’s a Starlighting mama.  Cari wrote Sparrow Migrations while raising two young children and working a day job.  She wrote the novel from 5:00am-6:30am and 9:00-11:00pm (plus naps).

Independently published books need not compromise quality.  Writers work alone, but it takes a team to create a quality book.

Pageflex Persona [document: PRS0000037_00036]Read any good self-published books lately?  What would you add to this list to create quality?

During April 2013 Cari will donate $1.88 of each book sold to autism causes; 1 in 88 children is now born with autism.  You can buy the book and learn more at www.carinoga.com.

Posted in Agents and publishing, Starlighting Honor Roll | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 17 Comments

17 Responses to Indie Publishing Done Right

  1. Rachel says:

    Thanks for this candid and helpful list of tips. Good luck with book sales, Cari!

  2. Laurie says:

    Heather – This is a wonderful list that deserves a wide audience. I’m going to Tweet, Google+, Scoop.it!, Digg, and Reddit it!

    Bravo Cari – my hat is off to YOU!

    • Heather Shumaker says:

      Wonderful, Laurie. My publishing team VASTLY improved my book. I’ve been giving that a lot of thought since self-published authors need a team, too. Glad you liked the list!

  3. Cari Noga says:

    Thanks, Heather, Rachel and Laurie. Nice to have more allies in my corner. As far as other quality self-published books, right here in our community we have Chickadees at Night, an illustrated children’s book by Bill Smith and Charles Murphy. It has had incredible success – one local indie bookstore posted it has sold more than 1,100 copies in the year since it came out! It’s on my nightstand as inspiration.

  4. Great tips, and good luck to Cari! I strongly agree that editing and having a writing group is imperative. I’ve been looking into self-publishing a lot lately (so far I’ve been told by agents that my idea is great but need a bigger blog following and to contact them again in a year’s time = if I’m doing all the marketing anyway then why give the bulk of my profits away?!), so I joined a writer’s group, am looking for a cover designer, and am cultivating people to do test readings. I anticipate a long revision process, but I think it’ll be worth it.

    A book that I’ve actually found really helpful is APE: Author, Publisher, Entrepreneur, it’s really good for breaking down the process of self-pub’ing done right, as well as marketing your book, before and after it’s published.

    • Heather Shumaker says:

      Danielle, thanks for sharing that great book tip. I’m sure many people will find it helpful. I think you’ll find that whichever publishing route you go having a good blog following will be enormously helpful. Best of luck on your book endeavor!

  5. That’s a darn good checklist for self-pubbing, Heather. The only thing I’d add is for the author to look deep inside herself and ask: Is this book the absolute best I can make it? If the honest answer is yes, send it out to the world. If not, keep revising and editing.

    Most of us know the true answer to that question (the gut feeling we get when we’re alone with our thoughts), but some of us lie to ourselves because the dream of being “a published author” overwhelms our ability to objectively evaluate our book.

    Congratulations to Cari for doing it right and helping to legitimize self-publishing. I’ll pass this blog post along to my social media connections as well.

    • Heather Shumaker says:

      I hear you. We often know the answer and need to listen to that voice. Sometimes all writers get stuck and can’t make it better on our own. That’s when it’s time to seek outside input. Outside critiquers, readers and experts can often inject a new level of excellence and then the revision soars.

  6. Cari Noga says:

    Danielle, I am adding Author, Publisher, Entrepreneur to my reading list. Chris, I agree that honest soul-searching is important, with one caveat: Don’t let your fear of the risk color your assessment. It’s scary to put your work out there, and even more so in the absence of a traditional publisher’s imprimatur. That fear, I think, can sometimes keep us stuck when we should be moving forward. With something as big as a novel — or a nonfiction book — striving to make it the “absolute best” is nearly impossible. Almost everything could be improved with more time spent. Revise, rework, listen to beta readers, (repeat) for sure. But don’t let perfect be the enemy of the good, or, as Heather puts it, the “done right.” Because ultimately, you aren’t the judge — the readers are.

  7. Kate says:

    Heather, I am currently reading your book and enjoying it thoroughly !!!

    I wish there was a way to connect with other like minded parents in my area (SE MI) so that I could afford my child the opportunities you describe in your book outside of a formal setting.

    I relish the idea of being considered a “renegade” parent !!

    Thanks so much for the great tips!!

    Kate

    • Heather Shumaker says:

      Thanks, Kate! So glad it resonates with you. Yes, rather fun to be a “renegade.”

      Not sure where you live in SE Michigan, but I am coming to Ann Arbor to speak in May. Send your friends and maybe we can meet. The event is Tuesday, May 21 at the Ann Arbor library, Pittsfield branch. Who knows? Maybe you’ll find like-minded parents there. They’re out there.

      Thanks for stopping by – and happy reading.

      • Kate says:

        I would enjoy hearing you speak, but unless it’s a child friendly event I have a very hard time finding sitters in my area :(

        • Heather Shumaker says:

          Kids have come to some of my talks before – you’re welcome to if you think it will work out with bedtimes and all. I have no problem with young folks in the audience!

  8. deidra says:

    The cover of the book is absolutely gorgeous. Great tips for folks who write!

    • Heather Shumaker says:

      Isn’t it great? Beautiful cover — and designed by a woman with autism, too – very fitting.

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Where Ideas Come From

We need space and unstructured time for ideas.

We need space and unstructured time for ideas.

I still remember the salesman who came to my 10th grade class.  He was hawking magazines, I think, for a school fundraiser.  What I remember distinctly were his words.  He lifted a stack of magazines and proclaimed: “Information!  This is the Information Age.”

That was back in 1985 so he may have been a bit ahead of his time.  Who knows when the Information Age officially started, but we’re sure in it now.  Deluged daily.

I find myself increasingly turning the radio and computer off.  Recycling newsletters before I read them and deleting extraneous emails, not to mention skipping worthwhile blogs and news articles. It’s impossible to keep up these days.  The informational input overwhelms us.

In the midst of so much INPUT, we have to remember to make space for our own thoughts, dreams and ideas.  Some information is good, but too much can drown out our own voice.  We need to leave room for IDEAS.

As an author, one of the most common questions I get is “Where do your ideas come from?” The answer is simple:

From walks.

Walks, solitary cross-country skis, hikes, even simple manual jobs like vacuuming the car or weeding the garden.  When my body is moving and I am alone with my thoughts my subconscious opens up.  That’s when the ideas pour in.

That’s why you hear so many people say “I thought of it in the shower” or “It just came to me while I was walking my dog.”  Ideas sprout when we give them space and let go.

Here’s how I write an essay: I hold a thought in my head and take it for a walk.  By the end of the walk I have the intro, ending and arc to my essay.  The same with books.  My most recent book is a ghost story for 8-12 -year-olds.  The entire idea for the book — plot, characters, ending and all — entered my head while I was cross-country skiing at Sand Lakes Quiet Area.

Last week was Spring Break. I watched my two kids relish the endless unstructured time.  We stayed close to home and played.  One morning my 5 and 8 year-olds woke up at 6:30am and sustained an imaginative game that went on for 5 hours without a break.  It was a game they made up, something about robins and ducks and a “dude with a dagger.”  They’ve figured out they can enjoy pretend games together as long as they incorporate a few battles (for my younger one) and several songs (for my oldest).

Kids need space for IDEAS, too.  Their own ideas.  Traditional education is heavy on input.  Parents are pretty big on structuring kids’ weeks.  Video games and all things “screen” take up brain cells full of input.  Sometimes we need to stop the input and save space for ideas instead. Unstructured time. Empty time. Outside time. Creative time. That’s where the brain truly comes alive. That’s where ideas come from.

What prompts your best ideas and creativity?  Do you ever feel overwhelmed by too much input?  Do you have enough unstructured idea time?

Posted in Agents and publishing, Parenting with Renegade Rules, Starlighting Tips | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 15 Comments

15 Responses to Where Ideas Come From

  1. Emily Plank says:

    This just makes my heart feel peaceful to read. Thank you.

  2. deidra says:

    Once again spot on! here is what happened on our “unstructured” Saturday. As see-saws are a thing of the past. My son came up with the idea to put a really long thick stick through a low lying v-shaped tree trunk. VOLIA an instant see-saw. Later, on the same tree he found and L-shaped stick and hung it over another branch and made a stick swing. Finally (on the same tree) he found two long sticks, he leaned up against the tree. He laid shorter sticks across in an attempt to make a ladder.

    • Heather Shumaker says:

      Love your see-saw story! So glad your son’s getting plenty of time to invent and create. And, by the way, where did all the see-saws go? They have certainly disappeared from playgrounds.

  3. Julie says:

    Thank you for the reminder to not only create space in our own lives, but also the lives of our children…

  4. Zane says:

    Love this post, Heather. So, so true. I get my ideas on long walks too. To tell you the truth, that’s half the reason why I wanted a dog again—so I’d have to take long walks every single day!

  5. Thanks, Heather. A good reminder for me to unplug now and then. I do feel overwhelmed by too much input at times. But I’m going up to the BWCAW for a several day solo canoe trip, and will hopefully recharge the ol’ inspiration battery then. I also get some creative thinking done when listening to my favorite music .

  6. Laurie says:

    Heather — “…make space for our own thoughts, dreams and ideas. Some information is good, but too much can drown out our own voice. We need to leave room for IDEAS.”

    I resonate with your observation to my very core!

    You asked, “What prompts your best ideas and creativity?

    I pulled a sentence from a post I wrote in March 2010 that speaks to my thoughts on space: “…space for transformation to occur; space to find new direction.”

    As a minimalist, space is like a compass for me — it points me in the right (and WRITE) direction.

  7. So well said. With so much data to inflow, the creation of data is therapeutic. I’m happy for your kids.

  8. Pingback: Weekend Reads 4.6.13 | Not Just CuteNot Just Cute

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Solo Adventures

At least fictional characters can ride the train.  Can we make room for solo adventures in real life?

At least fictional characters can ride the train alone.  Can we make room for solo adventures in real life?

Part of my research for my next book involves train travel, so I’ve been querying train companies in England.  Today I received an email with a highly satisfying answer: yes, kids can ride the train without an adult.

As the polite customer service person advised me, it’s good to consider whether the child is comfortable riding alone, and responsible enough to get off at the right stop. The train crew would be “more than happy to assist.”

Hallelujah. As every writer and reader of children’s fiction knows, the first major plot task is to Get Rid of the Parents. Why? So children are free to have their own adventures (and solve their own problems). That’s why so many heroines and heroes in children’s fiction are orphans. From an author’s viewpoint, it’s downright convenient. It’s also getting harder in modern fiction to realistically ditch the parents. Adult supervision is everywhere.

Although my book-in-progress has magic in it (ghosts), everything else is realistic. It wouldn’t do to have my child heroes riding Amtrak into their adventure — Amtrak won’t let them.  If I aged my characters to become teenagers, they could potentially ride Amtrak – but only on certain routes, if they are tagged as unaccompanied minors, put through a personal interview by station staff, and declared not to be allergic to peanuts. What a stark contrast.

We can all learn a lesson from the Get Rid of the Parents motto in children’s fiction, and the sensible British train policy of letting kids travel solo if the family thinks the kids are comfortable and ready. When we step to the side, kids can experience their own lives and adventures.

And safety?  Safety comes from understanding and participating in the world, not being overly sheltered from it. It’s up to us to judge risk appropriately. The most dangerous thing most of us do is put our children in a car.

Kids in books and in real life thrive on challenges of independence. Life worth living has risk at every age.

What were your early independent adventures?  What risks do you need to take now?

Posted in Books for Kids, Parenting with Renegade Rules | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 9 Comments

9 Responses to Solo Adventures

  1. My parents put me, my sister, and my aunt (also our age) on a train from Minneapolis to Milwaukee to visit our great grandparents’ farm in Elkhorn, WI. My sister and aunt were 9, I was 8 at the time. We were so-o-o-o scared to be leaving our parents, but had a great time on the farm, and came back much more confident (I presume- don’t remember a lot of the details of that trip). Back in the 60s we didn’t have Amtrak, just the Milwaukee Road or whatever that particular railroad was named.

    Of course, I don’t know if it took a lot of negotiation by our parents to let us travel alone, but we were met by the great grandparents in Milwaukee, so there was no chance of us getting into trouble unless we got off the train before Milwaukee, which we weren’t eager to do since we figured our only chance of survival was to trust these relatives we barely remembered from their last visit, maybe when we were 4 or 5.

    Other than that, we had pretty much free range of town once we got old enough to ride a bike, tell time, and understood bus schedules. It wasn’t unusual to ride bikes into Minneapolis to swim at one of the lakes or play miniature golf, or take the bus downtown to watch “BIlly Jack” 4 straight shows at the movie theater.

    That freedom was one of the best memories of my childhood, and I mourn that loss of adventure and freedom that today’s kids have. I think its huge for building independence and self-confidence.

    Chris

    • Heather Shumaker says:

      Love the story of your train journey! Can’t do that with cars… It’s trips like that that really create memories – the independence of it is something that can only be experienced first hand. Hooray for the ‘Milwaukee Road.’

  2. Laurie says:

    “When we step to the side, kids can experience their own lives and adventures.”

    I respect your words of wisdom. My parents were huge advocates of this mindset. One small example is them putting my sister and I on an airplane in San Diego and flying us to our aunt and uncle in Chicago. We’d have a blast with them while mom and dad were making their way across county in the car. Then we’d have a family road trip back again. It was a win-win situation!

    • Heather Shumaker says:

      Bet your parents enjoyed the peace and quiet of the long car drive, too! Definitely a win-win. Love your story.

  3. Zane says:

    This is interesting, Heather. I’ve been thinking a lot about the fact that so many children characters in classic books are orphans or away from their parents—because of a vacation or some other circumstance. I agree that it’s important to let children (fictional and real!) have their own adventures (parent-free). But I must admit that some of my favorite scenes from The Penderwicks (our recent favorite books) are the interactions between parents/adults and children. There is a lot of wisdom in the way these relationships are developed. The children struggle with certain aspects of their parents/adults, of course, but readers also feel very assured that the father, in particular, has a deep respect, admiration, and love for his daughters. And this love buoys the main characters throughout their darkest moments.

    So, I’m striving for that balance in my stories: creating children characters who have the freedom necessary to have proper adventures while also nurturing their relationships with wise adults.

    • Heather Shumaker says:

      I’ve just been reading the Penderwicks myself! Lovely books. In these books, adults function to give the kids a good cornerstone of comfort and strength, but if you look at them, parents are still fairly absent. The mother is dead. The father is kindly but often lost in his own world walking in the woods looking at botanical specimens. The oldest girl basically raises the 4-year-old. In the third book the parents are completely gone and the kids are entrusted to an aunt (who conveniently sprains her ankle and is therefore out of commission).

      I do think your point about adults respecting kids and being there for them in their darkest moments is extremely important. In fiction and real life. Like Mr. Penderwick, or Dumbledore in Harry Potter, kids can turn to wise adults they respect in times of need and know they will be listened to.

  4. Deidra says:

    I never traveled like that as a child, but had a lot of freedom to roam the neighborhood. Rode our bikes or walked to friends, local store to buy candy. Took the bus to the mall to shop or see movies. I now live in NYC and try to give my 6 year old age appropriate independence whenever possible.

    • Heather Shumaker says:

      Trips to the candy store are just as important. Glad you experienced that freedom yourself and are finding ways to give that gift to your 6-year-old. It’s amazing to realize how much independence kids used to have, even in NYC (“A Tree Grows in Brooklyn…”).

  5. Cari says:

    I was pretty protected as a kid. I do remember the landmark day when I was allowed to walk to the corner candy store with only my friends. My mom did make us go the long way — to the end of the block where there was a stop sign, instead of jaywalking kiddie-corner. I also remember my first ten-speed and the freedom it afforded. Both were probably when I was 9-10ish. As a parent, I’m sometimes frustrated by the rules that limit our ability to incrementally expose our kids to independence, and thus build the self-confidence it requires to handle it. When my son was five, I started allowing him to go upstairs at the library by himself, either via stairs or elevator, while I took the other route and met him there. Turned out what I thought was a controlled lesson was violating library policy. Ironic, as one of my favorite kids’ books, no doubt available in that library, is Mop Top, about a six-year-old whose mom lets him go get his very own haircut –across vacant lots, no less!

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