Presence not Presents

By Heather Shumaker

Singing parties -- one of our favorite ways of building childhood memories.

"You must know that there is nothing higher and stronger and more wholesome for life in the future than some good memory, especially a memory preserved from childhood, of home. People talk to you a great deal about education. But some good, sacred memory preserved from childhood--that is perhaps the best education. For if a man has only one good memory left in his heart, even that may keep him from evil...And if he carries many such memories with him into life, he is safe for the end of his days."

~ Fyodor Dostoyevsky, from The Brothers Karamazov

This is the season of presents, but it needs to be the season of presence. Our children benefit from the surprise and joy of a few well-chosen gifts, but most of all they benefit from the memories we help them build.

My most cherished seasonal memories are the carol singing parties my parents began hosting when I was very small. We gathered more people than could properly fit in our house and sang for hours around the piano. Sometimes the living room would hold 70. Young kids would fall asleep and go home to bed. Stalwart singers branched into Czech, Polish, German, French and Latin carols and kept singing until midnight.

When my son was three, we started hosting our own carol singing party. Our living room is even a tighter squeeze, but we still can fit 35 people sharing joy through music. It's safe to say it's always the highlight of the season.

My children are building memories. Already they play "carol party" and sing from songbooks to each other (my youngest one sometimes holding the book upside down).  I'll bet this is what they'll think of years in the future. Someday they may host the third generation of carol parties.

On the other hand, too many toys can be a burden to children. They get overwhelmed. Their rooms get cluttered. The joy of surprise that a gift brings is something to be treasured, not overdone.  We need to share time with our children--our presence-- more than we need to find one more toy.

Parenting is many things.  One of the most important is building memories.  Memories of shared experience, of presence, of joy.

So what do you think?  Does Dostoyevsky's line about memory versus education ring true? How do you focus on creating presence in daily life or at the holidays?

8 responses to “Presence not Presents”

  1. Memories, without question. We had our traditions at Christmas, too. The best was Mom reading "The Night Before Christmas" next to the tree to us three kids. Then we'd go up to bed with our special candles lit and guiding the way. It was a good way to put Christmas dreams into our heads just before falling to sleep--assuming we could calm our excitement enough to actually fall asleep.

    • Heather Shumaker says:

      Love the image of candles and Christmas Eve poetry, Chris! Fantastic. Your mom knew how to build memories.

  2. "The joy of surprise that a gift brings is something to be treasured, not overdone."

    As a minimalist, this resonates with my heartstrings - zing!

    • Heather Shumaker says:

      Yes, I think some people overreact against too many presents by saying no to presents completely. That skips the joy. The element of surprise, care and insight into a gift is such a joy both to give and receive.

  3. Angie Lathrop says:

    Love the Dostoyevsky quote! For me, one of my favorite parts about Christmas is the music and the excuse to walk around humming...
    My sister-in-law started a tradition of making gingerbread houses and having a decorating party every year, usually about two weeks before Christmas, and now it's unthinkable to not have Gingerbread House Day. She bakes (and puts together) 20-25 houses, makes the frosting, and we all bring candy and spend the day snacking and making our houses. She always takes pictures of each family with their house. Every year she invites the immediate family plus a variety of friends and acquaintances--it's a slightly different mix every year. It's super fun, relaxing, and there are no presents to purchase (just a competition to see who can bring the most original candy...)

    • Heather Shumaker says:

      Oh my gosh, LOVE the Gingerbread House Day. Can I come? Sounds like a magical time. And humming is great, too, of course.

  4. Zane says:

    Lovely post, Heather. Singing at Christmas time is one of my favorite parts of the season as well. We're still working on creating our own traditions as a family, and your caroling party is one of them!

    I grew up with what I would describe as an "overdone" Christmas (as far as presents were concerned), and one of my challenges is continually reminding grandparents to scale back for our children.

    I love the Dostoyevsky quote!

    • Heather Shumaker says:

      Overdone gift-giving is far too common. For some people presents = Christmas. You also hit the nail on the head about what to do about the issue - sometimes convincing grandparents is even harder than doing stopping ourselves!

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Heather
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