It's Not a Choice

By Heather Shumaker
Behavior isn't always a choice.  Plus, too much choice can be overwhelming for children.

Behavior isn't always a choice. Plus, too much choice can be overwhelming for children.

Our culture loves choice. Ever feel overwhelmed by it all? Go to the grocery store and there are 15 types of bread. Eighty types of snack food. In my grocery store, there must be at least 30 types of crackers alone. Some choice is helpful. Too much is overwhelming, especially if we're not in a mood equipped to handle it.

Choice is hard on kids. The world is pretty overwhelming already - fascinating, yes, but it takes young kids enormous energy just to process it all.

We often expect kids to make choices.  Mostly, logical choices about their own behavior.  "That's a good choice," we tell them.  "That's a bad choice." Or "Did you make a good choice?"  "Hitting your brother wasn't a good choice."

The truth is how they behave isn't always a choice for children. At times - especially when they're well rested, fed, feeling safe and cheerful - young kids can make sensible choices and control their impulsive behavior. But often they can't. It's too hard.

We need to understand that and not be disappointed. Not be angry. We need to put a stop to the bad behavior, but not assume it's a choice. Sometimes kids want to stop but need help. Often they're scared of their raging feelings or actions. Believe it or not, the ability to "stop" is hard.  Kids may not know how.

By calling their behavior a "choice" we expect them to be logical beings with fully developed impulse control and a steady hand on their emotions. Kids are still developing impulse control, and it's often impossible for them to "choose" to stop when they are raging mad, scared or sad.

Acknowledge it's not always a choice   Instead of saying "That wasn't a good choice." Try: "It's too hard right now. I'm going to move your body away."

Keep choices to a minimum    Being asked too many questions can be stressful for kids.  It also gives young kids an inflated notion of who's the boss in the family. Try: "We're going to the park." instead of "Do you want to go to the park or the school playground today?" The kids will enjoy wherever they are, and chances are you already know which will fit the family best.

Give limited choices in daily life   If getting dressed is a stumbling block, you can provide a limited choice. "You have to get dressed now.  Are you going to wear the blue shirt or the red shirt?" This allows the child some power.  The less often you use this tool, the more effective it can be.

Give free choice in play   This is where children really get to practice choosing ideas and actions. Limit behavior if it crosses the line, but give kids plenty of time to make choices and risks in play.

It's OK small coverMaking good and bad choices becomes more relevant as kids get older. Most young kids' "choices" are really learning how to set limits and cope with intense feelings. Want to know more? Read chapters on setting limits and wild emotions in the book It's OK Not to Share.

Do you ever feel overwhelmed by so much choice?  When does choice work well in your family?

8 responses to “It's Not a Choice”

  1. Heather - We need to cut kids some slack. I was 50 years old before I realized that, "Whatever you are not changing, you are choosing" (a choice).

    • Heather Shumaker says:

      Yes, recognizing choices is tricky. Love your wise motto! Everyone should have it in a visible place for daily reminders.

  2. I have no kids, but I'm one of those who is more and more overwhelmed by choice, most notably at the grocery store, like Heather mentioned. I also see overwhelming choice in other areas: cars, movies, TV shows, internet websites and activities, restaurants, clothing, you name it, there are often too many choices to be manageable.

    That's why I think there is a slight advantage to living in a small town. Choice is limited by geography if nothing else.

    Chris

  3. Anne says:

    Hello Heather! I was wondering if you could recommend any pre-schools in or near traverse city, that are on the eco friendly side, if they even exist here? Do you know anything about the "Human Nature" school or the cooperative preschool?< I have been curious about your book for a while, will have to read it. Thanks!
    Will, check for response.

    • Heather Shumaker says:

      Hmm...I've never observed at the Human Nature school, and I always think you should observe before judging a place. I have heard from a few families who enjoy it there. Waldorf schools tend to have a naturey side, and there are 1-2 small programs in TC and Benzie. The cooperative preschool does a good job with play but doesn't particularly emphasize nature or get outside much. My all around favorite preschool in the area is the Leelanau Children's Center in Leland and Northport. They get outside and have gardens and animals, and their commitment to free play is top notch. Enjoy the book!

  4. As always, very clearly explained and right on the money. Looking forward to sharing this with friends and family. Thanks!

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