Mothers Aren't for Hitting

By Heather Shumaker
People are NOT for hitting.  And that includes parents.  Put a stop to it at once.

People are NOT for hitting. And that includes parents. Put a stop to it at once.

If you know young children, you know about explosive anger. There's lots to be frustrated about when you're little, and this pent up emotional energy often breaks out physically.  Kids hit, kick, cry and yell.

Hitting per se is not bad. It's the target. "Let Kids Hit and Kick" is the title of a chapter in It's OK Not to Share. It gives you tips on how to accept the wild emotions and energy while setting firm limits on behavior.  "You're mad, but I can't let you hit your brother.  If you need to hit, hit the pillow.  It can't get hurt."

As parents, we rush to protect other living things - brothers, sisters, neighbor kids, the cat, the houseplant - from our child's rage.  But what about our own bodies?  It's quite simple:

Mothers aren't for hitting.  Fathers aren't for hitting.

This needs to be an absolutely firm line. People aren't for hitting.  And that includes mothers.

I emphasize mothers here, rather than fathers, because it seems moms have a tendency to allow children to hit them.  Countless times I've seen angry, frustrated young children attempt to hit their mothers.  And their mothers let them.

We cannot allow a child to think it's OK to hit a parent. This crosses a dangerous relationship line. People aren't for hitting and parents are people. Why any exceptions?  If kids are allowed to hit their mothers growing up, they come to believe that hitting some people is OK.  A mother now.  A future girlfriend or wife or child later.

What a horrible lesson to convey: don't hit people, but family members are the exception.

Besides, kids want to be stopped.  They're angry, but they don't want to be allowed to do just anything.  They're out of control and that's scary.  It's especially frightening for a child to strike a parent. They know it's wrong.  Crossing the line typically terrifies them more than their own anger. They don't know if they'll lose their parent's love.

Setting boundaries is a big part of what life's all about.

If you're a parent who lets yourself be hit by a child, take action to stop. Set boundaries for your body. Move fast, be firm, pin your child's flailing arms if you have to. Say over and over to both yourself and your child: "I won't let you hit me. People are not for hitting."

You owe it to yourself, to your child and to the world.

It's OK small coverFor more tips about how to set effective boundaries on these tricky issues and how to deal with a child who tries to hit a lot, see chapters on emotions, limit setting and hitting and kicking in It's OK Not to Share: And Other Renegade Rules for Raising Competent and Compassionate Kids.  

What about you?  Do you remember what it felt like to try to hit your mother or father? Have you ever let your child hit you? How does it feel when you see a mother or father letting themselves be hit in public?

4 responses to “Mothers Aren't for Hitting”

  1. I hadn't thought about the domestic abuse connection to allowing children to hit, but wow, does that make sense! And your alternative, to hit a pillow (or other inanimate object that can't be hurt) is brilliant.

    I've always been an advocate of providing a punching bag for adults to beat up when they're angry. Not a human punching bag of course, but one that boxers use. Or one of those inflatable plastic figures that are weighted on the bottom so you can knock them over and they bounce right back up, ready for another left hook.

    Chris

    • Heather Shumaker says:

      Oh yes, I used to love those inflatable bounce-back punching toys. We had a clown. More often than not, its momentum would cause it to knock us down.

      Punching bags for all ages can be extremely helpful. Get it out. Get the emotion out on a safe target.

  2. Vicki says:

    Thank you. My usually delightful and sweet 3 year old son has started biting me and throwing himself at me. I already talk to him directly with "I won't" sort of statements, but the biting and throwing himself keep shocking me into loud responses like "OW!" Thank you for the reminder to stay calm and direct, and especially for the important and easily-forgotten reminder that mothers are people too.

    • Heather Shumaker says:

      You're welcome. Keep setting limits on what you do and don't like for your body. "Mothers are people, too...mothers are people, too..."

      If your little guy is typical, you'll see this kind of behavior of attempted attacks continue when he's four, too. Get ready to be strong and consistent. Your sweet boy is still there, but there will be times he needs help controlling his emotions and physical energy.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

Heather
Shumaker
Get new blog posts by email
twitterfacebookyoutube-play