Tag Archives: it’s ok not to share

Summers of Learning

It’s fall, and kids have a summer-full of learning inside them. What’s more important than the “summer slide” of school skills is the fact that these are NEW people heading back to school. Summer gives a chance to restart. However … Continue reading

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3 Responses to Summers of Learning

  1. Love my breaks. I suspect a child does even more.

  2. Anne Donn says:

    Thank you for once again for pointing the way to the truth of a growing heart and spirit. It’s so easy to get lost in expectations.

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Win a copy of It’s OK Not to Share!

It’s time to celebrate kids and summer – summer reading that is. Some of you may already be back to school, but there’s still time to dig into good books. And win books! For the finale to the Book-Lover’s Summer … Continue reading

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Summer’s Great Book Giveaway

Summer is here! It starts today for my kids. Time to forget adult schedules, follow dreams and be themselves. And for all of us grown-ups, time for some great summer reading. This summer I’m doing a Book-Lover’s Summer Giveaway. Throughout … Continue reading

Posted in Good Reads, Parenting with Renegade Rules | Tagged , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

6 Responses to Summer’s Great Book Giveaway

  1. Cheryl Rodriguez says:

    I would love to receive these books. I am this close to homeschooling because of the homework issue. I really want to instill a curiosity in my child that I see is not there in a public school setting.

    • Heather Shumaker says:

      Great! To enter, just post a quick 1-2 sentence book review. Then share what title you reviewed. Thanks!

  2. Justin says:

    I reviewed “It’s OK to Go Up the Slide”. Great book and common sense things that I should have known.

  3. Theresa B says:

    Finally finished “It’s ok to go up the slide”—-my personal take-away and review: challenge the rules of our K-8 program of running on the tan bark. Like in the book, if it’s not hurting person or property, why is it a rule?

    We went to the beach today so I could get some time to talk to my husband un-interrupted….the kids spent an hour collecting seaweed and throwing it into a pile—in front of where we were sitting. Each drop of the seaweed resulted in a big fat grin from my son and daughter…swelling with pride for their hunter and gatherer project they made up!

Embracing Rejection

Allowing kids to reject each other can build inclusiveness. What?! No, this isn’t George Orwell’s 1984, where every truth is backwards. It’s simply another renegade rule that takes some getting used to. When I explain why respectful rejection is good … Continue reading

Posted in Parenting with Renegade Rules | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

7 Responses to Embracing Rejection

  1. Jan Waters says:

    Heather, You’ve learned SYC philosophy well and it is all developmentally sound. I love the way you can explain things. Jan Waters

  2. Funny, even as an adult I’m sooo hesitant to set boundaries when I’m deep in conversation with someone and another friend comes along. Maybe we all need practice at this.

  3. Erika says:

    Great topic! I really appreciate the example of questions to ask our kids if they don’t want to play with someone. It’s about being curious, open to their answers, to honor their choices and guide them to make it in a kind way. I tell my girls, it’s ok if you want to play by yourself, just say it respectfully. THanks for this post!!

  4. Zanzanil says:

    I used to see my daughter behaving badly with one particular child. I sat her down and explained that it’s ok to dislike some one. But there always a better way to say no. And it did work big time between them and eventually they did get along just fine.

  5. MIhaela says:

    Hello! Great material! Thank you for the precious information.
    I would like to ask you how can we help the rejected one? The case is: a pre-teen girl (11 years old) with Spina Bifida – she has a light locomotion issue (she is walking a little bit strange and she wares a special brace at her down part of the leg – she cannot run very fast and avoids to get involved in games with a ball or where she risks to be pushed, because her medical condition), who is willing to play more “calm” games with her peers when outdoors and she very often gets rejected. Many times she gets the answer: “we can play later with you a game in which you can participate”, but they forget her afterwards. She also gets this tough “no”. She is a bold child, who communicates easily with both children and adults. Thank you!

    • Heather Shumaker says:

      Occasional rejection is one thing, and chronic rejection is another. With kids who are frequently rejected it often helps to have adult help, even if it’s talking about it and learning a few phrases “OK, my turn” or “When’s later? When you get to 10 points?” Later is too vague and it can help to quantify it. There’s a chapter on chronic rejection is my book “It’s OK Not to Share.” If she’s bold and tough and can communicate easily she can figure out many of these things herself, but it can help to ease the way.

Renegade Stories: “I Stopped Stopping Play”

I’d like you to meet Beth Wolff. She’s a play advocate from North Dakota who runs a daycare called Bethie’s Place. What’s marvelous are the CHANGES she made to her program after reading It’s OK Not to Share. If  you … Continue reading

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2 Responses to Renegade Stories: “I Stopped Stopping Play”

  1. I love seeing the real-life applications of your theories, Heather. Great story.

    • Heather Shumaker says:

      Thanks – real life stories are what it’s all about. And inspiration for more!

Founding a Better Kindergarten

It’s time for some good news. If you’re looking for inspiration in the early childhood world, look no further than Cheryl Ryan and the brand new Red Oak Community School. Her motto: “No grades, no homework, no testing.” Like many … Continue reading

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The Every Day Hero’s Job is Speaking Up

I suppose the whole message of my “It’s OK” books is simply about speaking up. Speaking up when something’s wrong. Speaking up directly child-to-child when a child doesn’t like something. Speaking up when the culture is at odds with what’s … Continue reading

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Celebrating Cake

I was just talking to fellow parenting author Jessica Joelle Alexander about the virtues of cake. She’s the author of the new book The Danish Way of Parenting, and describes how Danish teachers focus on empathy lessons every week from … Continue reading

Posted in Cool Cakes and Costumes, Parenting with Renegade Rules | Tagged , , , , , , | 1 Comment

One Response to Celebrating Cake

  1. Loved the cake. I would have killed for that as an 8-yr-old. :-)

Have you Talked to your Child about ISIS?

News disasters don’t just stay in the news. Children encounter them. When something terrible happens, kids want to know why. We may not think they even know what’s going on in the adult world – but you’d be surprised. Kids … Continue reading

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3 Responses to Have you Talked to your Child about ISIS?

  1. Joanne Frantz says:

    Great column, Heather, on a scary topic for so many of us! This is information parents need to have.
    I heard your NPR spot on All Things Considered Weekend. Again, you were very good and clear BUT it was too short. Food for thought from the other woman about behavior in public
    judged differently for low-income families. Of course, I don’t agree with her.

  2. Bridgett says:

    Good topic Heather. But don’t you think, we can avoid giving them the scary answers and just divert their mind to something else?

    Or just tell them it’s a movie or a fairytale and just escape for the moment.

    • Heather Shumaker says:

      Absolutely not. I love fairy tales in their own right, but when a child brings something to us about real news, in the real world, it’s up to us to give an honest answer, however scary that may be. If you think about it, it’s scarier for a child to realize she can’t trust her parents to tell her about life’s difficult subjects.

      Going into details may not be necessary, but basic information is. No need to dwell on it, but remember a child feels safer when her feelings are heard, her fears are understood, and her questions are answered.

Joys of a Burned Finger

My son burned his finger the other day as he was helping me cook. I love it when these things happen. Not the pain, of course. What I love is when kids engage in real life and learn how to … Continue reading

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10 Responses to Joys of a Burned Finger

  1. Makes sense to me!

  2. Cari Noga says:

    I was astonished this weekend when at an overnight SCOUT camp all the children were told by the director NOT to run outdoors as they might trip and get hurt. I thought Scouting was supposed to be all about outdoor activity! On a similar note, a friend shared how her son’s finger started bleeding at soccer practice after being hit by a ball (who would have thunk, at a soccer practice?) The hit aggravated a prior injury, which the 8-year old calmly explained. My friend, however, who had taken her other two children for a walk away from the field, subsequently received a stern notice that the soccer league was not a drop-off program, that coaches were not responsible (!) and parents were required to be in physical attendance at all times. For safety’s sake, of course. Good grief.

    • Heather Shumaker says:

      Oh my. No running outdoors at Scout camp? Now there’s a place where children should be experiencing burned fingers – from building campfires. And running!

  3. Jenifer says:

    I love this! I’ve pretended I didn’t see “no running” signs in places where it made no sense to me to limit running. And since my kids can’t yet read, they were none the wiser. :)

    I also love the idea of teaching them how to fall, as well as teaching other safety skills (such as how to cross the street). But I’m not always sure of the best ways to do that teaching, or how to judge that the kids understand a skill well enough to tackle the next challenge (such as crossing the street alone).

    I’ve read Gavin de Becker’s “Protecting The Gift” and I’m familiar with (but need to revisit now that my kids are older) Free Range Kids. Do you have other good resources for helping parents give their kids the skills they need to take reasonable risks and assess which ones the kids are ready for?

    • Heather Shumaker says:

      Glad you’re running! Crossing the street – observe your children when they don’t know you’re watching, or announce you’re going to let them try and see what they do. In both cases you can be nearby enough to step in if necessary. For non-life and death things, go ahead and give them a chance to try the new challenges. If you wonder if they’re old enough, they probably are. Try interviewing someone from an older generation to find out what kids their age used to do. Good luck and enjoy your confident, capable kids.

  4. Love your message and hope parents everywhere will see how it applies to academic challenges young children face as well. Teachers and parents need to create safe environments in which children can take risks in their pursuit of new knowledge and recognize how a perceived failure can fuel future success. It’s not about the failing moment, be it a test or assignment or wrong answer in class. The most important thing is what we do and model after a failed experience that counts for that is often where true learning takes place, perseverance is learned and growth is possible. Adversity builds strength and confidence. In the words of Mary Poppins, we are all “perfectly imperfect”. Thank you for sharing your message.

    • Heather Shumaker says:

      Ah, yes. Thanks for bringing up the academic side. Love your words “The most important thing is what we do and model after a failed experience that counts.” Our reaction matters, and school learning is often focused on getting things right and looking good, but failure and healthy reactions to failure are so much more important. Mary Poppins has it right again.

  5. Luiza S says:

    What types of play or experiences have you seen adults ban recently? Hmm, where do I start.
    1. When my daughter was 18 months old, I was chided by a passer-by for letting my daughter play about two feet from a street trash can while waiting in a bus station. `What if she touches it?” (I’ll wash her hands?)
    2. When my daughter was 2 years old, I was forbidden to let her climb up and down the stairs of a restaurant terrace. “She’s going to fall, and you are going to sue me!” (No and no.)
    3. When my daughter was 3 years old, I was scolded for letting her unattended in the house (which was locked up tight) while I was napping. “What if she burns the house down or injures herself?” (No she won’t. Trust me to know what my own kid can handle?).
    4. When my daughter was 4 years old, we were scolded for keeping blunt but sharp scissors on her craft table, and also letting her play with coins and buttons. “She may injure herself! She might swallow them and choke!” (Why would she do that?)
    5. When my daughter was 5 years old, we got a scolding by park rangers because she was jumping from rock to rock at the beach. “The rocks are slippery and she may fall!” (She’s barefoot for better grip, and she’s been doing that for a week already with no harm.).

    These are just some samples of the many times over the years we have had conversations on this topic. People, this kid only learns from experience (possibly all kids do?). Let her have the experience. We promise you we are doing the utmost to control any serious danger. She’s 6 now, and she has not injured herself or destroyed property.

    Thanks for the new book! I loved “It’s OK not to share”. It was a breath of fresh air.

    • Heather Shumaker says:

      The one that hurts my heart most is the park ranger story. Kids out in nature should be celebrated and encouraged, not shut down. Thank you for sharing your stories and for keeping a level head!

      • Luiza S says:

        The ironic part about the park rangers story was that there was a playground near the beach that the rangers closed for days after every trickle of rain (“Slippery playground equipment is dangerous!”). Well, at least open the playground if you don’t want the kids to play on the rocks! I couldn’t have made this stuff up if I tried.

        Kids are taught to fear nature these days from all angles. Nature is messy, muddy and icky. Some of my daughter’s playmates on that vacation would freak out if they stepped with their sandals in a mud puddle and would insist their parents clean it. And nature has critters. My daughter was afraid initially to climb on the seaside rocks because of the tiny crabs scuttling between them, so my husband convinced her to hold a few and let them scuttle over her arms and shoulder, to see they tickle but don’t pinch. That worked for her, but the other parents were shocked and were cautioning my husband that she might catch a disease. My husband was annoyed enough to tell them that these are not the right kind of crabs to catch a disease from :)

        It’s not as if we do this to espouse a particular child rearing philosophy; me and my husband were merely born in different times and places, and by those standards we are worrywarts with our own child. And the vast majority of young child rearing advice we see in North America seems to run counter to our desire to raise an independent, self-sufficient adult. Which is why I LOVE your books. I finally have something to point to: “See, we are not crazy and reckless!”.